March 25, 2012
It’s funny how sometimes, strong emotions can change us. One minute you’re on one path, and then you’re going through such turmoil, you’re exploding with all these different emotions and next thing you know, you've changed. Reality hit hard today when I was asked to give up my dream. At some point I started blocking out what she was saying, she was talking but mid-sentence I numbly got up and got into my car. I didn't know where I was going until I got there. The airport just minutes from my home. And I started crying. There’s just no way, I can’t give it up, I just can’t. This is who I am. Everything I've worked for, everything I've always wanted, I can’t throw it out the window. Thinking of my life without this, I wouldn't be happy. I know its selfish, but I'd rather work my life away to keep up with my dream than stop for one seconds to help them get out of whatever situation they are in. I realized then that no matter what the cost I won't stop, I don't even think I could. I was 60% sure I was going into the forces and 40% undecided, yet today that changed my mind. I’m almost positive the military is where I will end up going. It’s in my blood after all. I’ve been off and on about joining for 4 years now, but its always been there. Brushing the corners of my mind, are most people like this? Do they contemplate the military for years like I have been?
I think I’m going to Embry Riddle, I’m seriously contemplating it, I’ve already called and talked to someone, I just need to get a few more opinion sand visit each campus before my mind is set. I'll probably do the ROTC program there if I do go. I’m following my heart and ignoring logic. Logic tells me to go to a real university and finish my science degree. But that’s not what I want, I want to go learn all there is to know about planes, and the aviation world, I want to be surrounded by people who love aviation as much as I do. If I took the safe route, I wouldn’t be as happy. I would constantly think the “what if” I had chosen the route I really wanted. And honestly, the aviation world could go under, and my Bachelors may go under with it, but I’ll have my Associates to fall back on that has nothing to do with aviation. I’m almost done with it, just a few more quarters.
It’s beautiful flying weather but I see no planes. It’s almost as if that one landing as I got here was welcoming me. This is my escape. Other people my age, they turn to drugs, drinking, or self-destructing behavior to calm them. I go to the airport. I wonder if something is wrong with me sometimes. Why couldnt I be a normal girl and dream to be a model or actress? Even a singer. Why did space have to steal me, and now the sky holds my heart hostage. I know I will never be fully happy unless I’m with either.
There’s one, wonder if he’s landing or doing a touch and go. Is it weird that I can watch planes land all day? Ever since I was a girl, I remember my dad taking me to the airshows and I loved it. A plane gliding down so effortlessly just eases my soul.